Wow great introduction! I like that the story was set in the same time era that it originally written in. A few things to consider while delving into such a era is that rewriting the material will become challenging, you may be unfamiliar with that era and make mistakes, and overall it may feel that you will be simply re skinning this material. One example of such a potential pitfall is when Rama is addressing the crowd and informing them of his valor and splendor. Rama may have wanted to inform them and encourage them, but I doubt that Rama would have blatantly bragged over his accolades. The formatting for the introduction I feel could be improved in two distinct ways including the reformatting of the picture so that the top line is not all by itself, perhaps move it to the far right and bring that line into a block and your main body is one giant block of writing, I think both would greatly improve your introduction.
Introduction Story: Your introduction story was really cool. At first I thought that you were going to write different stories about the different levels of brahmarshi Vishvamitra, but then you turned the story about being about his confessions. What confessions will you actually portray in the story to come. When I think of confessions, I think about some secrets that were done in the dark, that are coming to light. Or are you going to talk about his accomplishments. It will be very interesting to see in what direction you decide to go with the rest of the project. I can't wait to see how you decide to finish the rest of your project. Like Zach said I think that one thing that might be hard to do is write about the era. You would have to do some major research in order to make your story flow.
I enjoyed how you used Vishvamitra as a storyteller to retrospectively tell important events in his life. I would recommend that you try not make your story a laundry list. You say, "This is the first part of the story I will tell you." This makes for a good outline, but you could instead develop the character's personality. Also, leave some suspense for the later portions of the story. For instance, instead of telling the reader that the story teller is Vishvamitra, drop hints along the way and reveal that fact in the end of your storybook. Your first sentence says, "One day some princes go and visit an acclaimed sage to learn from him and receive training." Be more descriptive and specific here. Who are the prince and what do they look like? What do they want to learn and why do they need training? This is an opportunity to elaborate and really give your reader an visual picture of the scene. I look forward reading the rest of your storybook.
This is a very clever set up for your storybook! I love how it starts with the princes finding a mysterious sage in the forest who introduces himself as someone who has lived for thousands of years and seen many things. This immediately draws the reader in because its hard to resist wanting to learn more about the character who is introduced in this way. I love the idea of using the storybook as a means to tell of the life of Vishvamitra, you will be able to add lots of new details to the storybook as you go along, while still making it in a way that flows well and doesn't seem confusing to the reader. I also like the idea of using this storybook as a means for telling morals and life lessons to these princes that need guidance. Its a cool idea to use the storybook like that so that Vishvamitra is not just telling about his life , but is also telling meaningful and valuable lessons for people to learn from.
Greetings O' brother of mine, I have reread your introduction after the corrections that you made from last week. Many issues have been corrected, I still wish you would space out the long paragraph though. I also found a case of redundancy with the birth. Now, for the most recent post, I have read your new story and enjoyed it! The change of point of view is always a challenge, however I feel that you have accomplished such a task with skill. The amount of dialogue within this post is good, because the change in viewpoint needs support for the main character. The picture obviously fits within the context of the story. One point of interest for you story that you could improve upon is the lack of details that seems to plague the latter part of your post, for me this is often the hardest part, determining how many details to include. Overall I really enjoyed the post I feel that changing the point of view like you did is a great challenge.
I really enjoyed your first story. You used dialogue effectively, and the suspense that you created in your last paragraph makes me want to read more. Your sentences “I can give you vast amounts of wealth. That you can only dream about.” Should be combined into one sentence. Just remove the period. Also, you write “Then Vashistha went began to use his powers and destroyed my entire army, thus saving the calf.” This feels somewhat abrupt. What were his powers? Try to describe what happened as he destroyed the army. Also, think about rewording the first sentence of your second paragraph. It left me wondering how large the army was. When I first read the sentence, I thought that the King had twenty men. However, it looks like he has 1 million men. How did that many people fit into a small building? When the King first asked about the calf, I could tell that things were soon going to go wrong. I think this goes well after your introduction. Now I want to know how he went from King Kaushika to the sage Vishvamitra. How will learn humility? Good job. I look forward to reading the rest of your storybook.
Hi Ethan! I just read your introduction and first story, and everything looks pretty good so far. Your storybook is really clean and easy to navigate, and the pictures add a lot to your stories. I really like that you've framed everything in the first person. Having Vishvamitra tell his own stories and everything that happened helps to not only flesh out his character but also give a sense of authority to the stories. I think the introduction does a really great job of setting everything up, and it gave a nice glimpse of what you would be talking about without giving too much away. One change I would suggest would be the formatting for the introduction. The pictures are really cool, but having all of them in the center pushes all of the text to the bottom, and on my screen, I couldn't see any of it without scrolling down, so I almost didn't see it. Your first story was pretty good too. It gives a good background of Vishvamitra, and his motivations for becoming a brahmarshi. Your dialogue was well done, and helped to move the story along at a steady pace. I'm really looking forward to seeing the rest of your stories!
The layout of your storybook is very pleasant and I love the cover image you chose too. On the introduction page, I almost skipped the first sentence because I saw the text below the pictures and thought that was where the story started. It might help with visual orientation to have the text all in one place, especially since it’s only a sentence that has been broken off from the main paragraph. I really liked how you broke down the image for the reader. You showed us who’s being depicted where in this photograph and although we might be able to piece that together after reading the story and Hindu myths in general, I found it extremely helpful for an amateur like myself. I think the phrase, “One story tells of him creating his own heaven for a king,” could be moved to the top of a paragraph when the speaker is still introducing his subject matter. It reads slightly out of place. Also, maybe not give away that the speaker is Vishvamitra until the end of your storybook? I think it could be interesting to have the reader get to know the character and then have the pleasure of understanding that the speaker who introduced them to the stories was Vishvamitra all along.
Your introduction was great! I was immediately interested in what your storybook was going to be about. I thought the theme was a really cool and creative take on the stories we've been reading. The introduction was clear and descriptive, letting the reader know what to expect while reading your storybook without giving too much away. I loved all of the pictures, but the layout made it a little confusing. I'm not sure if it is because I was viewing it from my phone, but the layout caused the introduction the be really broken up. If I had any suggestions it would just be to change that so your text flows and it is easier to read. I really enjoyed your first story. I think it set a great tone for what else is to come, and definitely made me excited to read more of your work!
Hi Ethan! I just read your second story, "Vashistha and King Kaushika." I really liked how you used dialogue in this story to help develop the characters. It seemed well-written and believable, but the formatting made it a bit more difficult to read. Having each line spaced out so far from the others makes it a bit harder to follow and it makes it seem waaaaaay longer than it is. There were a couple sections you could expand on, like the destruction of the army at the end, if you're looking for more material to add to your story. I didn't see many grammatical or spelling errors, so it looks like you did a really good job proofreading! In terms of the storybook as a whole, this was a really nice addition because it sets you up for the next story really well. Overall, I really enjoyed your story and I'm looking forward to reading more from you!
Greetings dear twin, I have read your story and I approve of the story. Overall your story was easy to read and spaced properly. One argument that the sage used in the story I read was, why would he take vast amount of riches for a cow that could simply produce riches? I think that had this been included that the dialogue would have been more interesting and given the sage more character depth. The picture obviously works and the link to it is active. I think that adding more background or narration in the middle would have increased the readability of the story. Please don’t think that I am simply tearing your story to pieces. I like how you transitioned the viewpoint; I think that you did a superb job in doing so. I like the ending to your story as well because it really sets up presumably your final story.
Hi Ethan! I really liked reading your story book. I want to start off by saying that the first picture you included in the cover page matches the layout and design of your background. I have seen this layout and design on other story books in this class. After looking at the picture, I kind of have an idea about what your story book will be about. I thought the introduction was well written. It was formatted differently from what I have seen so far but I liked it. I also like the pictures you included in the introduction. The introduction gave a good start of what the rest of your story book would be about. I have never read the original stories of the stories you have included but I definitely like your version of the stories. I thought it was well written and all the paragraphs and dialogues were spaced out and placed in an orderly fashion that made it easy for the reader to follow and read along. Overall, I think you did a great job! I am looking forward to reading more stories from your story book.
Hi Ethan! This is the first time that I am visiting your storybook. I really like the design of your storybook. The color scheme works pretty well. Your use of images in each story is also good. They all fit into the plot and give the readers a visual of what is happening in your story. After reading the first story I do not find many things I can critique you on. I do not see any grammar mistakes. It is crazy how the guy in your story prayed for thousands and thousands of years just to attain the title of Brahmarshi. I wonder why he went through all of the trouble to become this. Your story can be applicable to real life. If you have a goal you should try and achieve it. You must persevere even when times get tough and try to overcome distraction along the way.
Greetings my brother! I have reread your story and to be honest I am not sure what exactly I have said and what I have yet to say. Therefore, I will treat this as if it is the first time I am reading it. First off, I like the color scheme of the page. I think that it adds to the story especially the beginning of the story. I feel that it is calming and shows that this has happened after conflict. One thing with the formatting and I am not sure if you can edit this, but I think that the paragraphs are a bit to spaced out. Perhaps instead of the sentence “I then went up to the hermitage to pay respects to the sage and because… “Perhaps you could say something like “Upon seeing the hermitage I journeyed to it in order to pay my respects … I think the original sentence is clunky. I am not sure what is wrong with it. I do like the ending because it leads well into the next story.
Wow great introduction! I like that the story was set in the same time era that it originally written in. A few things to consider while delving into such a era is that rewriting the material will become challenging, you may be unfamiliar with that era and make mistakes, and overall it may feel that you will be simply re skinning this material. One example of such a potential pitfall is when Rama is addressing the crowd and informing them of his valor and splendor. Rama may have wanted to inform them and encourage them, but I doubt that Rama would have blatantly bragged over his accolades. The formatting for the introduction I feel could be improved in two distinct ways including the reformatting of the picture so that the top line is not all by itself, perhaps move it to the far right and bring that line into a block and your main body is one giant block of writing, I think both would greatly improve your introduction.
ReplyDeleteIntroduction Story:
ReplyDeleteYour introduction story was really cool. At first I thought that you were going to write different stories about the different levels of brahmarshi Vishvamitra, but then you turned the story about being about his confessions. What confessions will you actually portray in the story to come. When I think of confessions, I think about some secrets that were done in the dark, that are coming to light. Or are you going to talk about his accomplishments. It will be very interesting to see in what direction you decide to go with the rest of the project. I can't wait to see how you decide to finish the rest of your project. Like Zach said I think that one thing that might be hard to do is write about the era. You would have to do some major research in order to make your story flow.
I enjoyed how you used Vishvamitra as a storyteller to retrospectively tell important events in his life. I would recommend that you try not make your story a laundry list. You say, "This is the first part of the story I will tell you." This makes for a good outline, but you could instead develop the character's personality. Also, leave some suspense for the later portions of the story. For instance, instead of telling the reader that the story teller is Vishvamitra, drop hints along the way and reveal that fact in the end of your storybook. Your first sentence says, "One day some princes go and visit an acclaimed sage to learn from him and receive training." Be more descriptive and specific here. Who are the prince and what do they look like? What do they want to learn and why do they need training? This is an opportunity to elaborate and really give your reader an visual picture of the scene. I look forward reading the rest of your storybook.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very clever set up for your storybook! I love how it starts with the princes finding a mysterious sage in the forest who introduces himself as someone who has lived for thousands of years and seen many things. This immediately draws the reader in because its hard to resist wanting to learn more about the character who is introduced in this way. I love the idea of using the storybook as a means to tell of the life of Vishvamitra, you will be able to add lots of new details to the storybook as you go along, while still making it in a way that flows well and doesn't seem confusing to the reader. I also like the idea of using this storybook as a means for telling morals and life lessons to these princes that need guidance. Its a cool idea to use the storybook like that so that Vishvamitra is not just telling about his life , but is also telling meaningful and valuable lessons for people to learn from.
ReplyDeleteGreetings O' brother of mine, I have reread your introduction after the corrections that you made from last week. Many issues have been corrected, I still wish you would space out the long paragraph though. I also found a case of redundancy with the birth. Now, for the most recent post, I have read your new story and enjoyed it! The change of point of view is always a challenge, however I feel that you have accomplished such a task with skill. The amount of dialogue within this post is good, because the change in viewpoint needs support for the main character. The picture obviously fits within the context of the story. One point of interest for you story that you could improve upon is the lack of details that seems to plague the latter part of your post, for me this is often the hardest part, determining how many details to include. Overall I really enjoyed the post I feel that changing the point of view like you did is a great challenge.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your first story. You used dialogue effectively, and the suspense that you created in your last paragraph makes me want to read more. Your sentences “I can give you vast amounts of wealth. That you can only dream about.” Should be combined into one sentence. Just remove the period. Also, you write “Then Vashistha went began to use his powers and destroyed my entire army, thus saving the calf.” This feels somewhat abrupt. What were his powers? Try to describe what happened as he destroyed the army. Also, think about rewording the first sentence of your second paragraph. It left me wondering how large the army was. When I first read the sentence, I thought that the King had twenty men. However, it looks like he has 1 million men. How did that many people fit into a small building? When the King first asked about the calf, I could tell that things were soon going to go wrong. I think this goes well after your introduction. Now I want to know how he went from King Kaushika to the sage Vishvamitra. How will learn humility? Good job. I look forward to reading the rest of your storybook.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I really like your Comment Wall meme.
Hi Ethan! I just read your introduction and first story, and everything looks pretty good so far. Your storybook is really clean and easy to navigate, and the pictures add a lot to your stories. I really like that you've framed everything in the first person. Having Vishvamitra tell his own stories and everything that happened helps to not only flesh out his character but also give a sense of authority to the stories. I think the introduction does a really great job of setting everything up, and it gave a nice glimpse of what you would be talking about without giving too much away. One change I would suggest would be the formatting for the introduction. The pictures are really cool, but having all of them in the center pushes all of the text to the bottom, and on my screen, I couldn't see any of it without scrolling down, so I almost didn't see it. Your first story was pretty good too. It gives a good background of Vishvamitra, and his motivations for becoming a brahmarshi. Your dialogue was well done, and helped to move the story along at a steady pace. I'm really looking forward to seeing the rest of your stories!
ReplyDeleteThe layout of your storybook is very pleasant and I love the cover image you chose too. On the introduction page, I almost skipped the first sentence because I saw the text below the pictures and thought that was where the story started. It might help with visual orientation to have the text all in one place, especially since it’s only a sentence that has been broken off from the main paragraph. I really liked how you broke down the image for the reader. You showed us who’s being depicted where in this photograph and although we might be able to piece that together after reading the story and Hindu myths in general, I found it extremely helpful for an amateur like myself. I think the phrase, “One story tells of him creating his own heaven for a king,” could be moved to the top of a paragraph when the speaker is still introducing his subject matter. It reads slightly out of place. Also, maybe not give away that the speaker is Vishvamitra until the end of your storybook? I think it could be interesting to have the reader get to know the character and then have the pleasure of understanding that the speaker who introduced them to the stories was Vishvamitra all along.
ReplyDeleteYour introduction was great! I was immediately interested in what your storybook was going to be about. I thought the theme was a really cool and creative take on the stories we've been reading. The introduction was clear and descriptive, letting the reader know what to expect while reading your storybook without giving too much away. I loved all of the pictures, but the layout made it a little confusing. I'm not sure if it is because I was viewing it from my phone, but the layout caused the introduction the be really broken up. If I had any suggestions it would just be to change that so your text flows and it is easier to read. I really enjoyed your first story. I think it set a great tone for what else is to come, and definitely made me excited to read more of your work!
ReplyDeleteHi Ethan! I just read your second story, "Vashistha and King Kaushika." I really liked how you used dialogue in this story to help develop the characters. It seemed well-written and believable, but the formatting made it a bit more difficult to read. Having each line spaced out so far from the others makes it a bit harder to follow and it makes it seem waaaaaay longer than it is. There were a couple sections you could expand on, like the destruction of the army at the end, if you're looking for more material to add to your story. I didn't see many grammatical or spelling errors, so it looks like you did a really good job proofreading! In terms of the storybook as a whole, this was a really nice addition because it sets you up for the next story really well. Overall, I really enjoyed your story and I'm looking forward to reading more from you!
ReplyDeleteGreetings dear twin, I have read your story and I approve of the story. Overall your story was easy to read and spaced properly. One argument that the sage used in the story I read was, why would he take vast amount of riches for a cow that could simply produce riches? I think that had this been included that the dialogue would have been more interesting and given the sage more character depth. The picture obviously works and the link to it is active. I think that adding more background or narration in the middle would have increased the readability of the story. Please don’t think that I am simply tearing your story to pieces. I like how you transitioned the viewpoint; I think that you did a superb job in doing so. I like the ending to your story as well because it really sets up presumably your final story.
ReplyDeleteHi Ethan! I really liked reading your story book. I want to start off by saying that the first picture you included in the cover page matches the layout and design of your background. I have seen this layout and design on other story books in this class. After looking at the picture, I kind of have an idea about what your story book will be about. I thought the introduction was well written. It was formatted differently from what I have seen so far but I liked it. I also like the pictures you included in the introduction. The introduction gave a good start of what the rest of your story book would be about. I have never read the original stories of the stories you have included but I definitely like your version of the stories. I thought it was well written and all the paragraphs and dialogues were spaced out and placed in an orderly fashion that made it easy for the reader to follow and read along. Overall, I think you did a great job! I am looking forward to reading more stories from your story book.
ReplyDeleteHi Ethan! This is the first time that I am visiting your storybook. I really like the design of your storybook. The color scheme works pretty well. Your use of images in each story is also good. They all fit into the plot and give the readers a visual of what is happening in your story. After reading the first story I do not find many things I can critique you on. I do not see any grammar mistakes. It is crazy how the guy in your story prayed for thousands and thousands of years just to attain the title of Brahmarshi. I wonder why he went through all of the trouble to become this. Your story can be applicable to real life. If you have a goal you should try and achieve it. You must persevere even when times get tough and try to overcome distraction along the way.
ReplyDeleteGreetings my brother! I have reread your story and to be honest I am not sure what exactly I have said and what I have yet to say. Therefore, I will treat this as if it is the first time I am reading it.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I like the color scheme of the page. I think that it adds to the story especially the beginning of the story. I feel that it is calming and shows that this has happened after conflict. One thing with the formatting and I am not sure if you can edit this, but I think that the paragraphs are a bit to spaced out. Perhaps instead of the sentence “I then went up to the hermitage to pay respects to the sage and because… “Perhaps you could say something like “Upon seeing the hermitage I journeyed to it in order to pay my respects … I think the original sentence is clunky. I am not sure what is wrong with it. I do like the ending because it leads well into the next story.